Was I scared? VERY!
I was anxious from the week prior to the surgery, but thank god I was physically able to work - work totally kept me very occupied and distracted and I had a great set of Doctor and Nurses who kept assuring me that it's ok and was patient enough to answer my one million questions like
"Will you put me to sleep for real? Will I wake up in the middle of the procedure?"
"No, no of course you won't. You'll not feel any pain at all I assure you"
"Then am I gonna wake up at allll after the surgery?"
....Yup, my Doctor answered all these kinda question, very patiently. Having Doctor's appointment was probably the only thing that can make my day better. Bless amazing Doctors who have anxious patients like me on a daily basis! You know why? Their job involves doing this everyday, so they're experts and it's really probably nothing to them, but yet he still spared me so much time to just make me feel calm and assure me everything will be ok.
Had Doctor's appointment first thing in the morning day before, Doctor A checked and I was told that the baby's refusing to shrink, everything were still intact and the same size - both baby and the sac (we waited 2 weeks for natural miscarriage to happen). Mannn I don't know who the stubborn-ess genes came from
Couldn't sleep, starting to get hungry and anxious I totally broke down. I think at that time I was totally confused. Confused about whether to go through the surgery or to carry this baby and wait it out (even after the Doctor said that it may take a few weeks more). It's a funny feeling carrying a baby without a heartbeat, eventhough you know it's not alive you sort of feel like there's always the two of you at all times (Aiman and I are the kind that talk to the stomach and let her listen to the earphones with Quran playing at night hahaha!). So decided to pack my hospital bag and started writing Thank You cards out for all my Doctors and Nurses, you've no idea how super grateful I am to have met amazing Medical people who don't make me feel scared. I'm so used to just going to my own family-member doctors, it felt a little bit different to be going to a Hospital where I don't know or I'm not related to these Doctors handling my body parts.
Because it was a day before GE14, roads were so clear and by the time I know it, I was admitted and on the hospital bed at 8.30am at Columbia Asia Hospital, my surgery was not until 12pm that day. I can go on and on about how great this Hospital is, from their service to the kindness of their Medical team, all the Doctors and Nurses were amazinggggg I think I've finally found a favourite hospital. Nurse asked why I came so early? I said because Dr A told me to come before 9, but since it's still early could I just walk around? Hahaha shouldn't have asked, when she called my Dr, he said to take my blood and put me on drips right away. And the first thing I asked was "Is Dr A coming already?"
Two nurses had to take my blood and do the drip, coz my veins were a bit fine. Boy was I calm *flips hair*, eventhough when they did it I felt blood streaming down my hand. Immediately I asked "is my hand ok?". "Ok, you cannot move". "What? If I cannot move then can someone hold my hand please, because I may just move (out of fear)". You know how when someone says "Don't do this..." and you know that that is exactly what is gonna happen? :P
and then the waiting game beginsssss....When I'm nervous I listen to music a lot. Dr P, my other Doctor would attest to this, because before that when he had to have tools inserted inside of me, we requested for me to be allowed to listen to songs and it's like magic, I had loud musics playing and felt minimal pain. It has this power of transporting me to whatever times I wanted to, like that good times in Hyde Park when Aiman and I had ice creams or when we were in the Doctor's room and he told us about how normal the heartbeat was, or how I've brought this baby to Dubai. Of course this amazing boss was just here, on my hospital bed telling me about the meeting that just happened in the morning and massaging my legs the whole morning. Even wanted to bring me McDonalds, she forgot I was fasting.
My body though was probably just anxious, thinking what is GA like? What is the OT room like? Will the GA really work on me? What if it doesn't? Or what if it is tooo strong, I don't wake up?.....and then I started bleedinggggg! Called the nurse and she called Dr A immediately. I'll be honest, I was half scared, half happy. Did this mean that the surgery will be cancelled? It had to be monitored just to make sure if the baby is exiting on its own now or not.
I looked at Aiman and said "You forgive me rightttt for everything? Like we zero zero you forgive me if I've done wrong to you kannn? And whatever happens during/after this surgery, please say Thank You to all the Doctors. All our Doctors since the very beginning, they've done soooo much to take us all the way here, even if the surgery has complications, I still really love them no matter what". Guys, this is the scaredy cat me talking, thinking what if I don't wake up from the GA. Hahahaha!
I looked at my phone and it's 12.10, I was getting more anxious and I asked Aiman where's Dr A just when he came around and the first thing I said was "I thought you forgot about meee". Thank God for a calm and composed Doctor, he was just so calm when he came for final check he asked if I had clots in my bleeding and if it was heavy. Sheepishly I said "errr yeah I think so!" with the most innocent not-sure face. "Ok la a bit only, then we'll just go ahead with surgery and let's just clear it out clean". OBVIOUSLY HE KNEW I WAS LYING hahahaa!
"You're gonna be in there right?"
"Of course, I'm doing your procedure"
"But like when I get GA-ed..."
He just smiled and said, "Yeah of course, that's why I'm going down now. I'll wait for you at the OT downstairs"
So Aiman had his final discussion with Doctor A to request back for the baby (Yes guys you can do this! I never knew!) when he clears out my uterus, Doctor made some calls, nurses got me prepped and pushed down to the OT, and the whole time I just felt like puking. This is really happening!
Everything was bit of a blur in the OT, because I had to take out my lenses and glasses weren't allowed - basically I only saw blue colours around and whilst at it I could hear Dr A telling Dr B that I had actually requested to be knocked out in the room before being wheeled into the OT and immediately Dr B said it's ok, it will be quick. A girl can tryyyy not to remember anything in the OT :)
Went into the room to get the GA, they plastered all these things on my chest, I can't remember if I moved bed somemore and was told I cannot move so much, took pressure after that (I think) and then I saw needles, and then Dr B said "Ok, we're gonna start yeah, Bismillah". Everything was moving sooooooo fastttttt that all I remembered was I need someone I know to be here with me.
"Waiitttt.....Where's my Dr?"...it's scary that at every moment I felt scared I asked everyone around me to call Dr A. I only trusted my own Gynae at that point in time, maybe because he was the only one that Aiman and I have known for a while, and he knows I'm scared.
Hahaha they had to wait for Dr A to come in, he explained to me that the GA is done by Dr B, which I was already briefed in the morning but obviously conveniently forgot by the time I saw all the tools/needles/devices. And then I saw more wires and that gas mask thing, all these while Dr A was just casually chatting with me and asking me if Vivy was really my Boss and that I wasn't joking. Haha! It helped guys, coz I didn't even have to count backwards, I only remembered answering "Yeahhhh that's my Boss, for real, that's why I said for you to pass my MC slip to her straight"...before I went into la la land.
Believe me it helps a lot having a doctor that is very very calm and would talk to you when you just wanna ask questions and be distracted by the unknown that is coming, especially when your husband isn't allowed to enter the OT. But I also didn't allow him to not be there when I get out of the OT, especially when you're holding on to my Disney blanket.
Waking up was all another story, but I'll do that in Part 2 k! :)
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