Sayang... today again my heart broke when I saw you fight. I happened to be inside with you when the doctors/nurses decided to 'do something' to you. They tried slowly to take out the smaller tube in your ventilator that goes right inside your lungs, and the tube was so long, and as they pulled it out, you were so uncomfortable and you fought and you coughed coz you were choking. They were pretty rough :( I had to hold Lin really hard coz I couldn't bear looking at you suffer and I was just tearing looking at you fighting so hard from the edge of your bed... I watched it all sayang. I know it's painful sayang. I know. But you did a really good job, you really did. Well done Azwan.
As they did that, your ICP went up... :( It shot up and if Lin did not hold me and I had my way, I would probably have fought with the doctor ( without realizing what I'm doing ) to just stop pulling the tube out and stop shouting at you. They kept shouting "Azwan! Bukak mata! Azwan?! Mata tu bukak bukak.". I know they're rough...Sayang, I saw, and I just wished I could do that myself and do it gently instead. but don't worry, we're really proud of you, and I'm thankful that we saw it instead of Mummy, or mummy would have been even more worried for you yang. Mummy tak stop berzikir for you outside, she never will till you are well. We all won't stop.
Only after I got control of myself I held your hand, and told you bout Liverpool's lost, Gerrard's penalty and Spur's win. And you squeezed my hand and tapped the back of my hand. You tried to speak when I said I just came, so I tried calming you down as you cannot speak yet with the ventilator inside.
But you know what held me back today? When I told you I was leaving and you grabbed my hand and didn't want to let go. I told you "I'll be outside yang, I love you. You must stay strong and fight coz you're doing an amazing job. Papa's coming in, I won't go anywhere, I'll just be outside your door." but you still didn't want to let go... I tried so hard to tell you that it's ok and I'm not leaving you. But you still didn't want to let go of my hand. Then when Papa came in and he said to you "Azwan, papa ni. Alia is just going out sekejap je, nanti she will come back. Papa here Azwan", then you slowly let go, and Papa slipped his hand into yours as I pulled my hand out. It's as if you don't want us to leave... and I'm not strong when you do this to me. I had to go out because I was on the verge of tearing. So I left Papa alone inside with you and walked out.
But Alhamdulillah, you are progressing very very very well yang. You are and you are really strong, you did a really good job following the nurses' instructions today and we are really proud of you. Keep it up k. I will never stop praying for your speedy recovery. Btw, Farrah really misses you too sayang, she's in college and she told me that she'll come this weekend.
Hopefully you'll open your eyes by then. Doctors are going to take the tube on top of your brain out today because he said that that's the one causing the most pain for you as it is about 5.5cm into your brain hence the uncomfortableness and then they'll try to take out the ventilator too. Fight hard k, I know you can, you're a fighter! and if you can fight that, then that's two hurdles less, hopefully with that comes less pain and more comfort. I love you Azwan Arif. Wake up fully soon k.
p/s : I went for my medical check up today sayang, and I took my blood test. You know how I am so scared of needles and Doctors taking my blood kan, but today I went in and thought of you going through worse than that, I just allowed the doctor to prick and poke me with needles. and sayang...My medical check up went ok, until the last test when they got a shock they had to do it a few times... I have high blood pressure. I hope that won't deter me from and my dream to be a banker. Well, Melisa says it's because of the whole incident since last week that might have made my BP up a notch, and I choose to believe her, since she is a doctor herself :)
2 comments:
alia... take care k, you are taking care of azwan and everything, but you must also take care of your health! I was shocked when you said you have high blood pressure! must be a fluke...
Yeah, I think it's a fluke myself. I'm such a happy kid, just like how you see me always in college :) So maybe the whole incident about Azwan has taken it's toll on my blood pressure. I'm trying, I'm trying.
Thanks for your concern Neo.
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