It's almost like you're here with me, although we're far apart

Oh my word... I don't even know where to begin about my shift today. I'm exhausted. Sayang! You were reallllllly realllllly rough and tough and active and a bit ganas with your movements today, I don't think I'd even have enough hands to do my shift today. My longest shift today. close to 12 hours and it was really nice spending time with you Zwan! As always :)

Yang, your food tube is in, pushed through your nose instead of your mouth now!! Wawaweewa, that's an amazing progress :):) But you were so restless today!!! and a few times you kept kicking and hanging your leg of the right side of the bed. It hurts tau, you tendang tendang camtu and then your leg get out of the bed and hang off the bed. Everytime I angkat your kaki balik on to the bed, you'd do it again, so much so that I alas kan your bed with 3 pillows on the side in fear of you getting bruises on that really active right leg of yours. Everytime you slip down the bed, we'd pull you back up. Melisa and I. At the same time that you are kicking, you would turn your body to the left side, and your head along, and it was super scary. Your head is still so very fragile...and also when your urine tube was on your right. I kept telling you not to move too much or it's gonna hurt you when you need to pee. Seriously. Oh btw, your urine is clearer today and that's a good sign! The antibiotic is taking it's course :)

And then...sigh... You kept pulling your right hand towards your head, rubbing it hard at times. Must be a headache and the pain from the operation. Everytime that you do that, your face would show an uneasy feeling. Haih... I wish I could take that pain away :( and afterwards, often pulling your hands down and tried to pull your tube out of your nose. I know it's very uncomfortable, but I did remind you all the time when you do that that those tubes are to help you get better and feed you your food. It's for your own good. I fed you twice today!! Your milk actually smelt soooo sedap ok! haha! But I didn't steal any quick slurps though in case you tak cukup. Seriously, smelt so delicious. I always had to remember :

"Fix smallest syringe, suck out the undigested milk, clamp, dispose, hook in the big syringe, clamp, pour in 30ml water, unclamp, clamp, 50ml yummylicious milk till it reaches 250ml, pump in, clamp, 10ml water to clear the milk, 20 ml water for final gulp, clamp, unhook, dispose remedies, shut the tube, you're done!". It's amazing what we learn when one is in the hospital. Something I never thought I'd have the guts to do on my own before this.

Then there was the physio session, when Melisa and I exercised your whole body just to get some pressure going into you. The whole "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10, next leg up...". Everytime we did the physio for you, your SPO2 often beeps at 100. hehe... We love it that it's a perfect hundred score, but the sound it makes is just annoyingly noisy, we shut it! Best part was when I played your playlist of favourite songs, and you hummed to Snow Patrol's chasing cars (Ok, tak ikut tune la tapi!) and you opened your eyes for the longest time EVER!! Ohhhemmmgeeee... we got so excited! We then showed one finger to you and told you to do the same and you showed one finger with your right hand. We showed 2, you showed 2. We showed 5, you showed.... 3. hahaha! But you did very very very well sayang :) You opened your eyes afterwards, so big we stood right in front of you and Melisa said "Azwan, look at Alia. If you kenal Alia, blink your eyes twice" and you blinked your eyes twice, hard! Just brilliant :) I was just smiling to Papa who was comforting you at that time too. Happppy!

Come Maghrib, you got restless once again. I really didn't know what you wanted and at the same time feeling a little scared as you were getting really rough, kicking your legs and turning your head roughly to the left. Once you put out your hands, and I took it to comfort you with familiarity but instead you grabbed me by the shoulders, wrapped your arms around me like you'd do to a bolster when you sleep and just hugged me so tight, my whole body was bending towards the bed with my face down to the pillow, I couldn't breathe, I had to shout for Lin to help me get your hands off me. Gosh... you were really very strong. I nearly suffocated. That's a good sign though that you have such energy! Well done sayang, you're doing so well and trying very hard, and we are all so very proud of you. You were exceptionally calm when we read the Yaasin and Al Quran for you afterwards, Alhamdulillah.

Later on, I helped the nurse wash you up today and really, you sangat berat sayang. At that point of time, I nearly broke down and I just felt so sad.... I wished you had an abang to help you out yang. I just felt so useless and helpless when at first attempt I failed to lift you as I was really tired today. Afterwards, I got upset with myself, I tried so hard, I had to use so much energy to lift your body up with the rest, cleaned you up, pakaikan baju and at the same time comforting you that you will be ok. I then cleaned your urine bag and I was so happy to see and dispose a clearer colour than yesterday, Alhamdulillah. It was such an experience. But like I said, I'll always be there for you. To feed you, to clean you up, to shower you and to just be there at all times when you need me the most, which is now. Then Mama told me a story about once when our grandma was not too well, Daddy did dialysis for her, and Mama found out that she was expecting me at that time. She thinks that probably I might have gone through that phase when I was in her tummy seeing my own Dad doing it all for Mama's own mum, that I seem to be familiar and natural with what to do with you now eventhough it's my first time. I just felt touched when Mama told me that. I could just smile and acknowledge.

Sayang, no matter what, please know that you're doing so well, and we will never stop praying for you. Please fight hard and wake up soon ok? Lin just took over my shift and I headed home after feeding you your second last milk meal. Melisa will do your last feeding for you and I will be back in the morning k. Malam ni Melisa/ Lin will take the shift. Esok we play somemore k. Thanks for spending the longest time with me today. I love you very much Azwan Arif! We all do :) Please bace banyak byak ayat kursi, 3 kul, Al Fatihah and salawat k. I know you heard us reminding you that today.